one_minute_meelee_fanonfandomcom-20200214-history
Roxy vs. Quote
Homestuck vs. Squirrelkidd! Ever heard of the law of conservation of matter? These two clearly haven't! Who's gonna triumph with the power of conjuring random crap outta nowhere? The Battle It was a fairly boring afternoon in the brilliant castle nestled at the center of the carapace kingdom. Roxy would know this because that’s where she lives. In the castle. Because she’s one of four queens of the carapace kingdom. It then dawns on you, the reader, that casually introducing this fact is out of the metaphorical question, which is to say, this fan-written story/script. Oh well. Back to Roxy then. She figured that today would be a good day to invite someone over to hang out with. The first person she could think to invite was Rose, who despite being about the same age as her, was the closest thing she had to a mother, but didn’t know all that well either. Roxy figured it was about time for some bonding. Roxy flew over to her computer (metaphorically speaking, but also literally) to message her soon-to-be-invitee. TG: hey! TG: rose! TG: r u there!? TG:'' hey!'' TG: rosie! TG: cmon, don’t make me play the nickname game! TG: rosebush! TG: rosebud! TG: flower pun! TG: ok, maybe not that last one... TG: still, cmooooooooon :( TT: I’m here. TG: OMG, finally! TG: you’re here! :D TT: I’m afraid that I remain ignorant of the reason for your reaction towards the fact that I not only exist, but will answer when you incessantly nag me on Pesterchum. TT: Unless, of course, this is relief from the irrational fear that something malicious may have happened to my person in the interval of time since we have seen each other last, which I believe is about seventeen hours. TG: well, youre right about the part where im happy to see that youre not hurt, but that’s not the whole reason im messaging u right now. TG: because i... TG: am... TT: Purposefully delaying your main point for dramatic effect? TG: LOL, yeah, that TG: but also... TG: i wanna invite you over so we can hang out! TT: Is this supposed to be the simulation of a mother/daughter bonding experience? TG: yeah... TG: its sad that i didnt even meet my mom, even if she wasnt even technically my mom... TG: not to say that youre like the same person as her, even tho you started off as being the same person??? TG: well, u get it, rite? TT: I’d have to say that I agree with you wholeheartedly. TT: In fact, I was hoping to ask you to partake in a similar experience with me. TG: OMG, rly?!?!!? TT: Yes, actually. TT: While I lived with my mother for most of my life, I don’t believe we’ve ever had the chance to truly get to know each other. TT: I’d say that it’s about time we truly found a way to connect. TG: awsm! TG: ok, ur meeting me at my place in ten minutes! TT: Well, that’s not giving me much time to prepare, though I suppose it’s fair, considering that we are currently taking residence in the same establishment. TT: See you soon. TG: See ya!!! That went exceedingly well. Well, now that Rose was coming over, Roxy figured that she’d might as well clean up a bit. On any other day, she would have an extreme amount of difficulty trying to clean up, on the account of the fact that she couldn’t find anything to clean up, because her room was already perfect. Today was different. Today, there was an empty paper bucket of fried chicken right in the middle of her room. Roxy found this strange, because she didn’t remember eating anything of the sort recently, or at all for that matter. What’s more is that it’s not like the local carapacians to leave junk in her room. Not that she minded, just that it’s never happened before. Jane would be all over this would-be mystery. She can’t stand to see one of these things go unsolved. Roxy hated the fact that that, by throwing it out, she’d be tampering with the evidence, but she had a guest to make comfortable! Roxy picked it up, folded it as best she could, and went over to the trash can to dispose of it, only to hear a faint thunk from behind her. Turning back towards the center of her room, she found yet another empty bucket. Where were they coming from? Roxy looked around her room, but there was no sign of an interloper. Cautiously, she picked up the new bucket and folded it the way she did before, this time looking over her shoulder to where the junk was being placed, so she’d see where they were coming from. Sure enough, she saw an empty bucket get tossed from the top of one of the highest bookcases in her room onto the middle of the floor. Of course there would be drawbacks to having an absurdly spacious room. She hovered up to the top to see who was there. What she saw was... interesting. She had taught herself not to be surprised by anything after going through the insane ordeal that was her life, but to say that she was expecting the thing on the bookcase would be a terrible lie. It was a round light blue pudgy thing about the size of a beach ball with a face and stubby arms and feet a shade darker than the rest of itself. It wore a bright orange baseball cap backwards on its head, and to his side rested a metal bucket filled with green paint and a large, fat paintbrush. It was nothing short of adorable. It reached for the paintbrush, somehow maneuvering with ease, despite his stubby limbs, and slashed through the air with it, somehow leaving a full bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in its wake. It grabbed the KFC, and turned it upside down over its head, causing the contents to spill into its mouth opened so wide, the gaping hole was nearly the size of itself. It then chewed, somehow simultaneously saying “om nom nom” in a jarringly deep, accented voice before swallowing. Where that chicken went was anyone’s guess. Roxy: hey! you! adorable thing! Quote: wut? Roxy: Who r u and wut r u doin in ma room? Quote: *eats chicken* Roxy: i mean, you can stay, i guess, but stop junking up ma crib! beat Quote: *trollface* nah Quote: *tosses bucket, gets more chicken* Roxy: cmooooon, i have a guest coming oveeeeeeeer! Quote: So? *eats chicken, tosses bucket* Roxy: so you need to stop makin a mess around here! Quote: Why? *gets more chicken* Roxy: because otherwise... At this moment, Roxy changed into her God Tier outfit, the one that depicted her as the Rogue of Void. Thankfully, this process was instantaneous, as was one of the perks of having a sylladex. Roxy: i’m gonna have to kick u out for being such a rude lil shit. The blue thing scarfed down the contents of his latest bucket before throwing it in Roxy’s face. Quote: I’d like to see you try! Time to wreak some havoc! Quote painted a portal gun into existence and used it to shoot a portal to the other side of the room, and another below him. He jumped in. Strife! 60 Before she could blink, Quote was on the other end of her room, paintbrush in hand. He painted Raiden (Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance), Zoro (One Piece), Akuma (Street Fighter), Zero (Mega man X) and Vegeta (Dragon Ball Z) to life with five strokes of his paintbrush. Roxy wondered how she was supposed to deal with this horseshit, while the author prayed that the page would be obscure enough to avoid copyright strikes, as these characters all belonged to their respective owners, and anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot. Not a moment after his creation, Vegeta caught her by surprise by teleporting behind her and nailing her with several vicious punches and kicks in rapid succession, before a particularly strong one sent her flying across the room, towards a nearby pillar. Zoro leapt off of Akuma, brandishing all three of his swords in unison, hoping to intercept the Rogue. Roxy, noticing the attack, managed to fly over it, leaving only open air for the pirate to cut through. Noticing she was still flying towards the pillar, Roxy grabbed hold of it, and then swung off of it towards Zoro, taking advantage of the momentum to make the upcoming face kick all the more punishing. When she connected, Zoro flew off a good distance before poofing out of existence. During this time, Raiden had been running up the pillar and was now jumping off towards Roxy, high-frequency katana in hand. Roxy noticed him and rushed him, taking him by surprise and grabbing him by the legs, and continued speeding off towards the rest of them as Zero attempted intercepting her with some charged shots. She dodged the first few shots nimbly, and even managed to throw Raiden into one of them, destroying him. Unfortunatley, this was all it took for her to get hit by another shot and was knocked towards the ground. As Roxy fell, Akuma was waiting to intercept her with his infamous Shun Goku Satsu, the Raging Demon. As he initiated the attack, he hovered just off of the ground as he closed distance between them as a powerful aura consumed him. Roxy, thinking quickly, became intangible, passing through the fighter as if she wasn’t even there. She then became tangible again, and dispensed some poetic justice through a tatsumaki senpukyaku - shin shoryuken combo (which even she was surprised to learn that this was an effective combo in an actual scrap), launching him in the air. As he came back down, she punched him hard enough to send him flying into zero, dispatching them both. 47 Roxy caught sight of Quote just standing nearby. As she charged towards him, Vegeta teleported in her path, reminding her that he still needs to be dealt with. Roxy then stole the nonexistence from the concept of a fist made out of perfectly generic objects (i.e. green cubes) that was flying towards Vegeta, effectively forcing it to exist, knocking out the saiyan prince. This was a tricky, yet effective branch of her powers that she managed to perfect over time. When Roxy got to Quote, she booted him like a football (american or otherwise), though this only caused him to disappear like the rest of the clones did. Wait, did that mean...? 34 Roxy turned around, finding about a dozen Quotes screwing around in her room. Some were waddling around, some were standing around looking braindead, and some were messing around with her stuff. With a sigh, Roxy flew all around the room, taking out clones, left and right, but they only seemed to keep coming out of nowhere. Eventually, the clones started attacking her. While she was able to hold them back with some punches, kicks, PGO fists, and the occasional pumpkin projectile, they started getting some hits in, and eventually, they overwhelmed her, launching her from one Quote to the next with body slams, spin kicks and falcon punches before one of them grabbed her in midair and bashed her head on the ground with an areal suplex slam, where they all started dog piling her. 19 Roxy managed to steal the nonexistence from A BEAUTIFUL PONY (made out of PGOs) to break free from the crowd. Before the Quotes could do anything else, she used her powers to summon a torrential hail of pumpkins, taking out the Quote clone army, one by one. 12 Eventually, there was only one Quote left: the real one. Roxy flew straight towards her opponent, and was about to punch him in the face before he launched a glob of glue at her from his paint can, trapping her and rendering her immobile. Quote took advantage of this and started placing Bob-Ombs all around her, burying her under a pile of them. "BEGONE THOT" ''he bellowed as he launched a giant bomb to detonate the rest. ''5 Quote was busy pedaling away from the blast on a unicycle because cool guys don’t look at explosions. In doing so, however, he made the amateur mistake of turning his back on the body. The one that was still alive. The one that could phase through solid objects. The one that was returning to the plane of tangibility and was stealing the nonexistence from the concept of a 20-foot tall granite wizard statue above his head. Quote had little time to wonder who turned out the lights before he was crushed under the sheer might of Zazzerpan the Learned. KO!!! - - - - - - - - - - - With some effort, Roxy managed to topple the statue, revealing Quote flattened underneath. He wasn't dead, but she could tell that he was finally ready to yield. Roxy: now, what did we learn today? Quote still stared at her, dumbfounded by his defeat. After an uncomfortably long awkward silence, he popped up, un-flattening himself, and ran for the window. Quote: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!! As he jumped out the window, Roxy sighed. Even if he was rude, weird and just plain ridiculous, Roxy'd wager he'd make a great friend. She guessed she'd never know now.' '- - - - - - - - - - - Rose was in front of Roxy’s closed bedroom door. Considering the commotion she heard on her way that was almost certainly coming from this room in particular, she was worried about what was going on in there. Now that she was in front of the door, it was dead silent. Rose then decided to open the door. The inside of Roxy’s room was a mess. It was bedlam. Stuff was strewn about left and right, the room was covered in ankle-deep pumpkin remains, and for some godforsaken reason, the statue that haunted her in her childhood was back. Rose: Roxy? Roxy: Rose! Roxy ran from behind the wizard statue and tacklepounced her way onto Rose, sending pumpkin guts flying everywhere. Roxy: omgomgomg!!! Roxy: youre here!!! Rose: Yes, I am here. Rose: What did I miss? Rose: Why are all of your stuff strewn around? Rose: Why is your room covered in ankle-deep pumpkin remains? Rose: And why is that godforsaken wizard that haunted my childhood back? Roxy: ok, ok, ok, youll NEVER believe what just happened... This Melee's Winner Is... Roxy Lalonde!